THA CAPT'N

"Tha Capt'n"

Ten Hut! Jessie had them boys standin tall, I tell ya. Jessie was made a Capt'n in tha ROTC at tha University of Alabama whar he went ta take up lawyerin. Tha boys, Buster, Walter an Howard went up ta see Jessie as a surprise on a Saturday an when thay found out whar he was at thay seed him a drillin sum fellers fer tha Army. When Jessie seed tha boys he dismissed tha fellers he was a drillin an cum over ta say howdy an was plum pleased ta see em all. Said he was rite surprised! Walter asked Jessie what in tha world he was a doin, nun of em knowed he was a Capt'n doin Army work. That's when Jessie tole em he jes took it up not long ago an got promoted real quick fer helpin tha Colonel git hisn budget in line an started makin money fer his unit at tha school from tha coke machine fund thay called it. Actually it was a lubricatin crème fer guns that started makin tha money. It was kinda like a combination of Lil Dubs Wonder Crème, Udder Balm, Mother Nature's Gift of Youth an tha crème Jessie made up fer Leonard's hands fer boxin. Jessie said he throwed in a mite of white grease ta boot an when thay slathered it on tha workin parts of any gun thay didn't jam nor rust up. That ole Colonel was purty durn sharp an even fixed it so's that him an Jessie got a part of tha profits from tha concoction. Jessie said thay called it AWL 405. Jessie said he was gonna make up a batch of sumthin he called AEL 409 too an all tha boys was always in all hisn deals. Thay all jes might make a dollar on these here products. Buster tole Jessie he was a thinkin rite smart agin an thay appreciated him puttin them in. Howard chimed in an said that ifn thar was any start up costs ta take it outa the accounts thay all had tagather. All tha boys was a wonderin what that AWL an AEL stood fer an Jessie tole em it was rite simple in hisn mind. AWL was fer Army Weapons Lubricant an 405 was fer tha 4 of em an 5 was them 4 plus the Colonel an AEL was fer Army Electronics Lubricant an 409 was fer tha 4 of em an tha 9 deals thay had a goin; Lil Dubs Wonder Crème, Mother Nature's Gift of Youth, IBM Stock, Wal Mart Stock, Old McBrayer Whiskey, Microsoft Windows, Army Weapons Lubricant, Army Electronics Lubricant an Ultimate Sports Crème that he is jes gittin put out from whar he made it up fer Leonard. Jessie tole em too that he put up $100,000 with Leonard fer that Windows deal Leonard let em in on with Bill Gates an Paul Allen an thay called it Microsoft. He also had tha notion ta git with Valvoline an Ashland Chemical that are divisions of Ashland Oil Company. Jessie figured this was gonna be purty big since he could see it goin inta tha automobile industry as well as the sports field.

Tha boys all went ta Jessie's place an let him change an then thay went ta supper fer Catfish an Barbeque at a all ya can eat buffet called Catfish Heaven thar in Tuscaloosa.. Jessie figured Buster was bout ta cave in so he better fill hisn tank whilst he had tha chance cause he would be eatin agin fore midnite, that's fer shor. Whilst thay was a visitin, Buster tole Jessie he had dun got him a new handle, "Capt'n"! He said he reckoned that he was the Capt'n of thar ship with all hisn wheelin and dealin. Howard wondered why in tha world Jessie wanted ta be a lawyer when he dun so good with bizness. Jessie said it was bizness since ya always needed a lawyer fer it an figured he'd jes be one ta be one up on tha competition an could know what all was a goin on when doin bizness an could take care of thar own legal doins. Walter said that was rite smart of him but didn't hisn folks, especially his Uncle Cecil, want him ta work fer SONAT? Jessie said yep, an Uncle Cecil would be rite put out over it but he jes wadn't a gonna go that route. He had hisn own thoughts of what he wanted ta do an was gonna do jes that! Tha boys all knowed that was fer shor cause when Jessie, sorry,Capt'n, made up hisn mind that was jes how it was gonna be. Anyhow, tha boys asked Jessie all bout his schoolin an Jessie tole em he was doin rite well an met sum nice fellers an gals an thay was good folks. Bout that time this here feller cum inta tha restaurant a lookin fer Jessie. Tha feller spied Jessie an cum on over ta tha table an tole Jessie he had ta talk ta him private like. Jessie tole him these boys was his best friends an wadn't no secrets from them. Jessie interduced tha feller as Daka, a schoolmate of hisn. Daka was a tribal Chief frum Zambia, Africa. Daka tole Jessie he had a serious problem back home an had ta leave as soon as he could an could he help him out bout his class work and belongins when he left. Well, Jessie tole him shor nuf an ifn he wanted too thay could all go back ta his place an talk it over. Buster jes had ta eat sum bread puddin, so he had tha waitress put a double order ta go in a bag ta take with him.
When thay all got ta Daka's apartment, Jessie asked Daka what all he wanted him ta do an tole him that with tha boys thay could git it all dun real quick like. Daka said he was gonna have ta git on back home real fast as thar was sum fellers tryin ta take over his village an overthrow tha President too. Even as young as he was, he was still tha Chief of tha village an had to go tend ta it. This was a rebel gang that cum outa sum other African nation like Somalia backed by tha communists. His cuntry jes couldn't let em git a toehold in his village cause thar next step was ta take over tha cuntry an whack tha President. Them rascals was mean as snakes! Daka said tha President wanted him ta git his village all set ta defend itself which wadn't gonna be no problem but he needed ta be thar. Tha main thang was he was gonna need folks he could trust an could keep thangs runnin smooth like whilst thay run them rebels ta ground. Tha American government was asked ta help out but thay couldn't do it whereas it looked like thay was a tryin ta use an excuse to set up shop in Africa. So it had ta be on tha QT. Well, Buster said ta let em make a call. Shor nuf, it was ta Mr. Holmes. When thay reached Mr. Hiram Holmes he was a buyin a new seegar humidor fer hisn seegars he liked ta smoke when hisn wife wadn't a watchin him. He cum ta dearly love a snort of Old McBrayer too an plum fergot that Scotch he used ta drank. He kept in touch with Aunt Julia an she seed ta it that he got a case of Old McBrayer ever blue moon. Course Elizabeth had cum back ta tha mansion at McBrayer Springs when Walter's sisters went back ta tha ranch an thay stayed in touch. Tha ladies were doin well too an kept everthang runnin smooth like but enjoyed thar trip ta tha old cuntry an seein thar people.
Mr. Holmes tole tha boys it was all under control an ta tell Daka that he would be gittin help when he got thar. Dalton an Devane were on thar way. Daka thanked tha boys an tole Jessie he would be back next semester if everthang went allrite.
Summer vacation was in a week an Daka would be excused fer his last tests an could make em up over tha summer or when he got back. The school make an exception fer him cause of hisn situation.

Tha boys helped pack an git Daka on his way an then went ta Jessie's ta spend tha nite. Tha next day was Sunday an tha boys had ta git on back but as usual, thar was a story ta tell here fer shor. Jessie said he would see em in bout a week when school let out. Tha Capt'n seed tha boys off that afternoon an tha boys lit out fer tha house as thay had chores an a gal or two awaitin.
Tha follerin week tha Capt'n cum in frum school an all tha boys got tagather an snuck on off ta tha bayou fer sum fishin. Tha Capt'n said he ain't heared nuthin frum Daka an nun of tha other boys had heared frum Mr Holmes neither. Thay all reckoned everthang was OK over thar. All tha boys went ta tha Capt'n's place fer Sunday dinner an decided ta go ta Dickenson's Gospel Barn fer sum sangin that evenin an thar was sum gals over thar thay all wanted ta see too. As thay was bout ta leave, Mrs. McBrayer called out ta Jessie that he had ta feed tha chickens fore he left on out. Jessie was in a mite of a hurry an didn't git tha aig baskets when he cum in. Jessie was bout ta git in Buster's Ford when hisn ma hollered fer ta cum on back in. Well, he did an she said she couldn't leave tha dough she was makin fer bread rite then an ta git them aig baskets back ta her. Jessie tole hisn ma ifn he couldn't do it later an she said he mite be a Capt'n at school but he shor nuf a private here. Not nary word was uttered after that but Jessie made a beeline fer tha chicken coop ta git them baskets fer hisn ma. Jessie tole Buster not ta say a word, him with a grin on hisn face. Buster had hisn cum uppance a time or two long with tha rest of boys, I tell ya frum thar mas too. When thay got ta tha dance an sangin at tha barn, Walter was a cuttin a rug an boot scootin in tha middle of tha floor. Folks was a clappin an hoopin an hollerin at Walter strutin hisn stuff. Tha gal he was dancin with was shor nuf lil Lynette an she was a showin out bout as much as Walter was. Howard was gittin punch fer Alma Mae Snow an tha gals was all over Jessie as usual with hisn pheromones poppin out all over him when thay cum in. Tha boys' pas cum in a lookin fer em an rounded em up an tole em ta cum with em. Buster had that long, tall Herrin gal cornered up an hisn grandpa Gus tole him ta let er a loose an foller em on out. All tha boys had a look of wonderment of what all was a goin on an excused themselves an went with thar pas. Mr. Ollinger tole tha boys ta foller em on back Buster's as it was tha closest ta tha dance an everbody was thar. Tha boys was all quizzical like an trying ta figure out what was goin on on tha way over. Thay knowed it had ta be important or thar pas wouldn't a cum after em like thay dun. When thay got ta Buster's grandpa Gus's house all thar folks was thar an lo an behold Mr. Holmes hisself was thar. Everbody said howdy an took a seat an Mr. Holmes went ta explainin tha reason fer hisn visit. Seemed like Dalton an Devane was in tha thick of it with them rebels but figured ta do em in, in good fashion with tha Delta Force boys an a few of tha Presidential Corps fellers. Onlyest thang was Daka got hurt in a scuffle with a rebel. He shor nuf held his own a leadin hisn warriors in tha tussle but a rebel cum in behind him an stuck him with a spear in hisn back. Tha rebel didn't hit nuthin vital but Daka is stove up a bit fer a spell. Tha President is off an away from tha Palace an Daka's younger brother is thar helpin ta run thangs till one of gits back ta take over. Tha president has ta be in tha thick of tha fight as he is thar leader an would lose respect ifn he wadn't leadin tha fight. Cutural thang, Mr. Holmes said. Thang is Mr. Holmes got word frum a source that thar is spy, what ya call a mole in tha government over thar an thar is a pickle of a mess an help is needed in tha capital at Lusaka.
Tha language spoken thar was English an Nyanja so a body could get by communicatin thar.

Mr. Holmes said tha reason he was thar was that he wanted tha boys ta help out Daka an tha President. Now he knowed that was askin a lot but knowed he could depend on tha boys an thar folks ta lend a hand. Tha boys wadn't gonna be in no fightin ta speak of that he knowed of but thar was thangs the President an Daka wanted dun that only trusted people would handle. Tha spy had ta be found out an captured an bizness decisions had ta be made in tha interim of runnin tha cuntry. Daka's brother, Winston, would be tha figurehead an thay would advise an work with him till tha rebels were rounded up. Mr. Holmes said that his people would be there an thay'd never know it but he needed tha boys there too but especially Jessie as he was friends with Daka. Well, all of em said yes ta his askin fer thar help an Jessie said that thar was a lot of nim nuts out thar with a bad case of Ottism an thay would be rite proud ta help punch thar ticket that's fer shor. Mr Holmes also asked ifn tha folks wouldn't mind cummin over thar after all tha ruckus settled down a mite ta help tha folks over thar larn sum bout our ways of doin thangs. Now Mr. Holmes said he would take care of all tha details with thar farm, ranch an bizness ifn thay would cum over fer a bit ta help out. It wadn't that thar wadn't other folks that could do tha job but since he knowed all of em an thay had a history so ta speak he would shor nuf appreciate it. Jes leave tha details ta him.

Tha boys left on out on a military hop set up by Mr. Holmes late tha next day to Lusaka, Zambia. Thay were met at tha airport by Winston and a cousin of tha President, Rupiah Banda, an taken ta tha Palace. Thar was Daka all decked out in hisn Chieftain getup an proud as punch sittin thar in hisn wheelchair. He shook hands with Jessie an tha boys an tole em he shor nuf appreciated em cummin ta help. All of em went ta a sittin room ta chew tha rag an Winston an Daka tole tha boys that thay would like em ta advise sum on sum sensitive matters of which thay would be informed of in tha cummin days. Mainly on thangs of a nature concernin Dalton, Devane an tha efforts of US assistance coordinated by Mr. Holmes. Kinda secret cause tha people in tha Palace an Zambian government didn't know come frum sic em when it cum ta that kinda bizness. Reckon messages was rite important an keepin a feller's mouth shut was purty much it. Jessie stayed behind with Howard when Buster an Walter went inta tha field ta meet up with Dalton. Devane was in tha bush chasin them rebels an had em holed up down round Lake Kanba on the Zambezi River. Dalton tole Buster an Walter that whuppin them rebels wadn't gonna be no problem but a feller they dun captured tole him an Devane that this ruckus was onlyest a diversion ta set up a takeover of the current President. Banda was a good guy a frend of tha US an tha knuckleheads that wanted control was communists. Thar was sum folks in tha Palace that figured in ta this an was up ta no good. These turncoats was a gonna see ifn thay could zap Banda an take over whilst tha thug rebels was kickin up a fuss. So, Dalton tole em ta tell Daka to be on thar toes an Mr. Holmes had sum folks in place ta see to it thar was protection fer tha President, Daka an tha boys. Who knows how many yayhoos was in on this deal. Now all this was probably ta take place in tha next week or so an Dalton wanted all tha boys to keep a sharp eye out on what was happenin in tha Palace. Dalton said ta tha boys that thay were tole to bring them watches an doodads, locators, thay was give in French Guiana; did thay have em. Buster an Walter showed him thars an said Howard an Jessie had thars on em too. Dalton said ta use em if need be.


Dalton would be in an out of Lusaka but most generally thay wouldn't know it, but not ta worry. If thangs worked fer tha rebels, thar was a strike force that was built up an rarin an ready to go out of tha southern tip of Somalia with troops from China, Russia, Venezuela an Cuba. What a duke's mixture that was an tha Muslims throwed in fer good measure. Ya could see tha pressure cooker could shor nuf pop with all kinda international implications if thay cum in. A full fledged war fer shor an tha US rite smack dab in tha middle of it. Course tha copper mines and gem producin mines were important ta tha bad guys as control over tha copper would severely impact lots of industries round tha world. Whilst Buster an Walter was gone fer a coupla days, Jessie and Daka had thar haids tagather an thar conversations were strictly private. Daka give Jessie tha lowdown on how thangs worked in Zambia an tha cultural aspects of family an how it played out in politics as well as daily life. Daka had sum idees bout who could be in tha mix of all this plottin an plannin but was not fer shor bout it all rite yet. Jessie went out with Daka ta hisn village an helped train a few of thar men in US military ways. He was interduced as tha Capt'n an a good frend an was ta be trusted. Jessie had a high ole time out thar an larned as much as he taught tha fellers bout weapons an discipline an what not. Now Jessie larned a lot bout military ways whilst he was at 'Bama; more than jes lawyerin. Now Howard spent hisn time minglin with tha staff an more or less advisin on dealin with paperwork fer tha fellers that was helpin out frum Mr. Holmes' people he sent over. Whilst Howard was sifoddlin round bout tha Palace, he seed a cook an a woman that was conversatin with tha President's cousin off ta tha side in a alcove in tha garden. Howard didn't hear much but what he did hear made hisn ears perk up fer shor. When tha woman noticed Howard thay stopped talkin an greeted him an asked ifn thay would help him an broke up thar lil confab rite quick like but Howard did hear em mention that tha time was bout rite an tha President would be in fer a press conference day after tomorrow. Then, it would be a new day fer Zambia an Africa an tha world. Howard used hisn watch to signal Dalton an tha boys ta tell em what he dun found out an went on back ta his helpin communications. A feller Howard noticed that was purty close by was a sweepin up an cleanin in tha garden an looked away as Howard walked by. That seemed kinda funny ta Howard but he figured he was jes bein respectful an not botherin nobody nun, jes doin hisn job. Mr. Holmes called Howard when he got back ta tha communications room an asked him what all he found out an Howard tole him what bits he overheard an hisn suspicions. Mr. Holmes said ta keep hisn eyes peeled an ears open fer anything else an ta let him know immediately ifn he did. Jessie got back in that evenin but Daka stayed at hisn village ta help thangs settle down after tha tussle thay had. Daka was shor glad that Devane an his fellers had them rebels on tha run an tole Jessie he would be back fer the President's press conference. Howard tole Jessie all tha thangs what was dun an said whilst he was gone an was a waitin fer Buster an Walter ta cum in later on in tha evenin ta go over everthang.

Buster an Walter cum in showered an got cleaned up a mite an then sit down fer supper with Jessie an Howard. Tha boys got rite inta eatin an jes as Howard was bout ta drank hisn fresh squeezed fruit juice ta take hisn pills, a danged monkey cum in thru tha winder an grabbed hisn glass an run off ta tha winder sill an drank down hisn juice. Rite then an thar that monkey keeled over daid as a doornail, I tell ya. Tha boys all looked over at each other an knowed sumthin was afoot fer shor with what all Howard had heared. Thay was tryin ta do in tha boys with a pizenin em. Well that ended that meal that's fer shor. All tha boys took on off ta tha kitchen a lookin fer tha cook but he was nowhar ta be found till thay heared sumbody a hollerin. Thay all run out an seed a feller stealin a motorsicle an ridin off. Howard seed that thar was a po-leece motorsicle parked thar too an run ta it ta go catch tha cook. Howard had er cranked up an was a movin on when a Palace guard cum over an the boys an him with a po-leece officer rite behind em went fer a car. Howard knowed tha feller had a lil head start on him an was seemin ta ride purty good so he took drastic measures to cut him off. First off, he got a good run at a natural ramp an jumped tha wall an took on after tha cook. Thay was ridin like banshees thru tha streets in town but tha cook was a losin ground an fast. Howard was jes bout ta catch up ta tha cook when he went down sum steps an jumped offa a embankment on ta highway outa town. He was headed fer Lake Kanda. The cook opened er up on tha highway an Howard did too. Tha boys an tha guard an officer was in two cars an was a givin chase too but was far behind. After hittin tha highway thay give em tha gas too. Howard hit 180 on a straightaway an gained ground mitey quick cause tha cook jes couldn't ride like Howard. As thay cum up on a switchback an a low water bridge bout 10 miles out town Howard seed hisn chance. Tha cook was at tha water's edge an lower than Howard. Howard jumped offa tha road an hit tha cook with hisn back tire an tha cook went off tha bridge inta tha water. Howard landed offa tha jump an layed tha motorsicle down an rode er out an then dove in after tha cook. He was knocked silly an a sputterin an Howard conked him a good un an then drug him out tha water, bout that time tha boys an other fellers cum up an got em all out the water an inta tha cars. Tha po-leece officer called fer help ta move tha two motorsicles an ta get a interrogation room ready ta question tha cook. Tha boys an tha guard an tha officer said that was sum mitey fine piece of ridin an ain't never seed nuthin like it an that Howard dun a great job of catchin tha cook. Well, thay never got a chance ta question tha cook. Whilst thay was a ridin back he hollered sumthin bout Allah an kicked tha bucket. He bit inta a cyanide capsule he had in hisn tooth thay cum ta find out an kilt hisself rite then an thar.

When thay got back ta tha Palace tha President's cousin an tha woman was gone. Nobody knowed whar thay was off to an had no information on who tha woman was neither. All this was reported ta Mr. Holmes an Dalton an Mr. Holmes tole tha boys ta sit tite an put on extra guards an give tha boys a password code ta let em know ifn fellers was frum him or not. Four men cum up ta tha boys an give em tha code word so that thay knowed thay was sent by Mr. Holmes an then thay all left out ta eat at a local restaurant as Buster was plum caved in he was so hungry. Tha rest of em was too but that daid monkey shor took tha wind outa thar sails fer a while when it cum ta eatin. But, tha excitement died down an thar bellies were a growlin. Wouldn't ya know that thar was a Chinese restaurant open not far from tha Palace an tha boys ate thar fill an then went on back ta bed. Tha guards tole em thay would stay with em till mornin an ta git sum rest.

Tha next day round bout 10 am, Dalton called an tole tha boys that Devane an hisn men had dun kilt or captured tha rebels an that was all over with now. Devane was a interrogatin sum of tha fellers rite now an would share tha information later on that evenin. Devane was gonna git tha skinny on who was investigatin an behind all this attempted takeover in Zambia. He said he shor nuf would git ta tha bottom of it all sooner or later. In tha meantime, tha President an hisn men was a scourin tha cuntryside fer any of tha rebels that got away. He sent word he would be back tha next day for hisn press conference. He tole hisn staff ta git everthang ready an he was gonna tell how tha cow ate tha cabbage ta tha world. Tha rest of tha day went rite smooth like an no mishaps were had by anybody an thangs jes settled down fer a bit an it was a breather fer shor after all tha excitement.

Tha press conference was set fer 3 pm. President Banda had been briefed on the attempted coup an given the information that was gained from interrogations by Devane. Daka was gittin ta feelin better ever day an would soon be up an at em. Thangs appeared ta be gittin back ta somewhat normal an everbody was a hopin an a prayin tha worst was over.

Rite on tha dot tha President's press conference started with Daka, Winston an all of tha government officials present. Special guests were behind tha President too. Danged if it wadn't Jessie, Howard, Walter an Buster a twistin thar collars too. Thay had ben asked ta be up front with all tha important folks ta be available ta answer any questions tha press mite have. First off, tha leader of tha National Assembly gave a bit of tha history of Zambia before tha president spoke.

Zambia was previously known as the territory of Northern Rhodesia an was administered by the South Africa Company from 1891 until it was taken over by the UK in 1923. During the 1920s an 1930s, advances in mining spurred development an immigration. The name was changed to Zambia upon independence in 1964. In the 1980s an 1990s, declining copper prices an a prolonged drought hurt the economy. Elections in 1991 brought an end to one-party rule, but the subsequent vote in 1996 saw blatant harassment of opposition parties. The election in 2001 was marked by administrative problems with three parties filing a legal petition challenging the election of ruling party candidate Levy Mwanawasa. The new President launched a far-reaching anti-corruption campaign in 2002, which resulted in the prosecution of former President Frederick Chiluba an many of his supporters in late 2003. Opposition parties currently hold a majority of seats in the National Assembly. With this recountin of Zambian history, President Banda was introduced to the people of Zambia an the press corps representing the world.

After openin remarks by tha President, he begin ta tell folks all bout what all was happenin an was bout ta tell who all was responsible when he softly shouted: "You have urinated on my jacket," an paused as he looked up to see a Vervet monkey playing in a tree just above his chair.

At that exact moment, a shot rang out an barely missed tha President an put two holes in his suit coat when he turned an looked up at tha monkey. Buster jumped up an grabbed tha President an throwed him on tha ground an covered him up with hisn own body. Tha Palace guard went bonkers ta say tha least an folks scattered everwhar. Tha boys seed Devane grab a holt of a feller an begin ta squoze him sumthin fierce. Thay was bout 25 ta 30 yards away. Then all manner of carryin on took place. This woman cum runnin up ta tha President an pulled a knife an was gonna stab him but Daka jumped outa hisn wheelchair an tackled her. Shootin was heared in tha background an tha Zambian soldiers was shootin at bout 20 fellers firin towards tha President too. One slug hit tha woman daid center of tha back of her haid an splattered Daka with blood an brains. Tha feller that Devane was a squeezin passed out with hisn eyeballs bout poppin outa hisn haid but he was alive. When all was said an dun, nun of tha 20 rebels was left alive an onlyest tha cousin of tha President was still kickin. Cum ta find out that tha woman was the mother of hisn wife an really called tha shots. Tha President was allrite an not nary a scratch. Walter had been ridin that day an it wadn't no gray but still a good horse. There was a feller that took off a runnin that he seed an he hit tha saddle by vaultin inta it from tha rear like in tha movies. He set tha bay ta full gallop an uncoiled hisn lariat. After a coupla twirls he set that rope ta sail an lassoed tha feller that was runnin away.

It turned out ta be tha brother-in-law ta tha cousin of tha President an Walter drug him back a squealin an hollerin like a pig stuck under a gate. He settled down rite smart when tha President swatted him real good. Jessie tole Walter that he dun got the last of the nim nuts with Ottism an with them two in custody, thangs really did settle down an tha President continued on with hisn press conference. It was a dozy, I tell ya. Tha whole world was a watchin.

After tha questionin was over of tha two that tried ta kill tha President, Mr. Holmes got everbody tagather an tole him bout hisn conversation with government officials frum tha US an Zambia. Tha President wanted tha folks of tha boys ta be hisn guests an ta help train hisn people in ways thay knowed ta work; one farmer an rancher ta another. Jessie got ta review all tha Zambian soldiers an that hit world news. Buster, Jessie, Howard an Walter got medals fer what thay dun an was made citizens of Zambia too. Buster also got him a ceremonial outfit complete with spear fer jumpin atop tha President when tha shootin started. Dalton an Devane stayed out of tha spotlite as usual.

Tha Delta force men an Presidential Corps fellers jes vanished when tha fightin was over; like thay never was thar. Tha justice of tha Zambian law was swift an tha cousin an brother-in-law
was hanged at high noon tha day after tha attempt on tha President's life an takeover of the government. Tha folks cum over an was treated like royalty but soon tole tha President thay wanted ta be treated jes like tha normal folks thay was. That endeared them ta tha people even more. Daka's village was tha headquarters for thar stay an everbody larned sum thangs ta benefit em all an made a passel of new frends.

Tha President had tha Munda Wanga Botanical Gardens ta remove all tha monkeys on tha State House grounds. Thar was bout 200 of em. Course tha President shor was appreciative of tha fact tha monkey dun hisn bizness when he did or he would had hisn goose cooked fer shor when he was shot at. Other than havin ta buy a new suit coat, he was fine. Mr. Fred Hengeveld, tha head knocker of Gardens said thay dun caught up 61 of tha critters an thay was ta be treated real good. Tha monkeys was gonna be relocated an released back inta tha wild whar thay cum from.

After everbody had dun got back ta tha house an back ta normal, Mr. Holmes an Dalton an Devane had a lil settee with tha boys an tha folks. Mr. Holmes thanked tha folks fer takin tha time ta help out tha folks in Zambia an especially Daka's village but this was tha rest of tha story as Paul Harvey used ta say. Heinrick Maier an tha Illuminati were behind tha doins in Zambia. Especially tha Rothschild bunch. Heinrick was tha son of Helmut if y'all remember him Mr. Holmes said. Course thay did. Tha IGF took him out in Venezuela with Chavez. Tha double fer Chavez is tha puppet fer tha Illuminati an is runnin tha government in Venezuela fer em. Fact is, information was gathered that tole em that Heinrick was on tha Isle of Man, ya know, whar that 4 horned sheep is frum an tha cat with no tail. Frum thar it was reported that Heinrick was on Inishmurray (Inis Muirígh) island, officially part of Sligo, this uninhabited island has Christian monastic ruins an has a somewhat mystical reputation. A bit tricky, even dangerous, to put a boat into due to rocky coastline. But that turned out ta be a day late an dollar short of whar tha rascal really was. He is on Stroma, an island on the northern coast of the Scottish mainland. It is the more southerly of the two islands situated in the Pentland Firth between the Orkney Islands an Caithness. As such it is part of Caithness (now within the Highland council area), while its neighbor Swona, to the north, is part of the Orkney Islands. The name originated from the Norse straum-øy meaning "island in the stream" or "current". There is a lighthouse at the northern end of the island to warn ships away from the dangers of the nearby Swilkie whirlpool. Once populous, this uninhabited island is owned by a Caithness farmer who uses it for the grazing of sheep.
Stroma is about 3.5 kilometers long by 1.5 kilometers wide with a maximum elevation of 53 meters (174 ft). In the past Stroma had a population of about 550, which by 1901 had reduced to around 375. The population continued to decline through the twentieth century with the majority of the last residents departing in the early 1960s to seek employment on the construction of the Dounreay power station. The last two families left around 1962. Coincidentally, this was shortly after the construction of a new harbor at the south end of the island. The number of ruined houses show how well populated the island was at one time. In the center of the island is a church, distinguished by its bell tower. Situated next to the church is the Manse which is kept habitable for use by those visiting the island to care for the sheep, particularly at lambing time.

At the south east corner, not far from the new harbor, is a walled graveyard with mausoleum, which is the tomb of the Kennedy family that owned the island in the 1600s. Having been uninhabited for so long, Stroma is now a conservation area with an area fenced off from the sheep to protect the rare plants which grow there. The original slipway at the north eastern part of the island is still in use with the boat used to transport the sheep pulled out of the water for the winter. During the summer months this boat an another one are used to take day visitors to the island from Gills Bay as well as those working with the sheep.
Dangerous currents are in The Gloup on Stroma. As it is situated in the tidal stream in the Pentland Firth, a tidal race is present at both the North and South ends of the island, easing briefly at the turn of the tide. The race at the north end, known as 'The Swilkie' off Swilkie Point, can be particularly violent. The whirlpool of the same name was, according to a Viking legend, caused by a sea-king called Mysing. He stole a magical quern from King Frode, but Mysing's land subsequently sank near Stroma under the quern's weight. However, he continued to turn the mill wheels in the depths which grind the salt to keep the seas salty, and the noise of the whirlpool is the sea still roaring through it. Between the races is a calm eddy which extends down tide as the tide strengthens. The races are easily visible with over falls and whirlpools. Large swell waves can also be present, especially in bad weather. When entering or leaving the eddies, even large and powerful vessels can be pushed off course. There are about sixty known shipwrecks around Stroma, the latest of which, the Danish coaster Bettina Danica, occurred in 1994. Fortunately no lives were lost and the vessel remained intact until about 1997. As of 2006, only the stern section could be seen on its side at the foot of the cliffs on the west side of the island near its southern tip. In 2004, a group of thirteen people on the island tour boat 'North Coast Explorer' was rescued by lifeboat.
The dangers of the Swilkie whirlpool in the Pentland Firth led to the building of the Stroma Lighthouse at the northern tip of the island at the end of the nineteenth century. The light was designed by David and Charles Stevenson, and has 80 steps to the top of the tower. The original Trotter-Lindberg petroleum spirit light was found to be insufficient for the location and was replaced with a stronger paraffin lamp. The lighthouse buildings were machine-gunned by an enemy plane during World War II. No-one was injured during the attack, which took place on 22 February 1941, and the damage was easily repaired by the lightkeepers. In 1972, the lighthouse was converted to electric operation, and a helicopter landing pad was built near the station to facilitate maintenance and the changeover of Keepers. In April 1994 conversion to automation began and this was completed in March 1997.

Stroma Lighthouse
Location:
Stroma: 2 miles north of Gills Bay, Caithness, Scotland
Coordinates
58°41′8″N 03°07′0″W / 58.68556°N 3.116667°W / 58.68556; -3.116667Coordinates: 58°41′8″N 03°07′0″W / 58.68556°N 3.116667°W / 58.68556; -3.116667
Year first constructed: 1896
Automated: 1997
Construction: White, circular tower
Height: 23 metres (75 ft)
Characteristic: Two White Flashes every 20 secs

Being uninhabited, there is no regular access to the island. However the ferry from Gills Bay near John o' Groats to St Margaret's Hope usually passes close to the island. A boat from John o' Groats also visits the island on wildlife adventure tours during the summer months. There exist outline plans to connect Orkney to the Scottish mainland by tunnel; two of the possible routes are across Stroma. Transport to the island can be arranged by contacting the owner, James Simpson.
Local stamps have been issued for Stroma since 1962, following on the closure of the GPO sub-post office in 1958. The stamps served the many visitors to the island who wished to have their mail posted there, and carried to the nearest GPO Post Box at Huna, near Wick, on the mainland. These stamps are keenly sought after by collectors of British Locals.
According to legend, a dispute arose between the Earls of Caithness and Orkney over which county Stroma belonged to. To resolve the dispute, some venomous animals (possibly adders) were taken from Stroma to both Caithness and Orkney; those taken to Orkney died, and those taken to Caithness flourished. Therefore it was decided that Stroma belonged to Caithness.
Heinrick Maier and the Illuminati have bought off James Simpson ta use this island fer a hideout till thay git tharselfs a plan fer more devilment. We jes gotta stop em fore thay do more harm. Mr Holmes tole tha boys an that thay was tha onlyest ones that knowed what Heinrick looked like. Tha boys asked how in tha world was thay tha ones that knowed what he looked like? Mr. Holmes had ta take em back ta whar thay met a German feller bout 24 with ole Fritz in tha meetin in tha back room of Harry's Bar. Tha boys all said thay remembered that nite fer shor. Well, that young feller was Heinrick. all tha boys had a good eye fer detail but specially Jessie. Thay cum up with a description of tha feller. He was bout 6'1" or 6'2" tall; round 175 ta 180; good shape; blond hair an blue eyes; had a scar on tha side of hisn left cheek, not like a knife dun it but like a piece of barb wire cut him an a tattoo of a Devil's Pitchfork behind hisn rite ear.
Mr Holmes said he needed tha boys ta go with Dalton an Devane an make shor thay got that feller this time fer proper. Nuf said, thay was a goin.
This part was short an sweet an nuthin like in tha movies. Tha boys got on tha island pretendin ta be fellers takin care of James Simpson's sheep he dun left thar. In tha meantime Mr. Holmes had taken tha precautions ta stop any way offa tha island, by air of sea. Wadn't no nother way off neither. Thar was only a handful of guards with Heinrick an all em of huddled up in tha lighthouse fer a headquarters. Presidential Corps men took out all of tha guards in a short order in the firefight but Heinrick an one of tha Rothchild boys was out in a Range Rover when tha team hit. Thay lit a shcuk outa thar tryin ta reach a high powered military type boat ta make a getaway. Tha boys an Devane an Dalton took after em in a SUV an a truck that was at tha lighthouse an run em ta ground. Thay ended up at tha Gloup. Wadn't much fer shootin an it cum down ta hand ta hand. Devane took on Heinrick an Buster jumped out an went after tha Rothschild feller. Tha boy musta ben a bodybuilder or sum kinda weight lifter cause he was shor nuf bowed up an jes a sight bigger than Buster, but not stouter, I tell ya. Now it was a tussle fer shor. Devane plum wore ole Heinrick out a whuppin on him, Heinrick jes wadn't no match fer Devane. Now Buster on tha other hand had a mite of time at first with that Rothschild boy but he was real trained up in sum kinda martial arts. Buster could handle hisself rite proud in a one on one tussle an he could show him a thang or two bout cuntry fightin. Buster was tuf too an could take a lick.
Buster waded inta tha Rothschild boy an took a few good licks ta git ta him an when he did it was all over but tha shoutin. Buster got tha boy by tha throat an purt near tore off hisn haid! When he bear hugged him ya could hear tha ribs crack. That feller wa a swatin at Buster but Buster dun got mad bout all thar shenanigans an had nuf of them hurtin folks. Heinrick started runnin frum Devane an was on tha edge of tha Gloup when Buster raised tha Rothschild boy over hisn haid an throwed him agin Heinrick. Both of em went over tha edge inta tha Gloup an down inta tha Swilkie whirlpool. Wadn't no survivin that. Both bodies was recovered 4 days later as tha currents took em out ta sea an thay floated ta tha top. Jessie muttered ta hisself that thar went a coupla more nim nuts with Ottism that bit tha dust. Thar was two more that tha world didn't have ta deal with an good riddance. End of that part of tha story.
Mr. Holmes an Dalton an Devane met all tha folks an tha boys bout 2 weeks later at Buster's grandma's house. It was a rite serious talk. Mr. Holmes said thay was gonna keep tha boys outa any reports an would never tell thay was in on trackin down Heinrick Maier an Anton Rothschild. That was tha other fellers name. It was shor a worry ta all of em that tha boys could be a target fer tha Illuminati an specially fer Buster since he throwed Anton over tha cliff. Mr. Holmes said he was gonna be extry careful an have sum of hisn people keep an eye out fer tha boys. Bout that time, Walter's Uncle Jeff cum in an said he was sorry he was late. Mr. Holmes said thay would be seein more of him an had him transferred ta his command ta see ta tha boys an tha folks. After all tha rattlin an jabberin, Buster said it was time ta eat.
Thar was sum vittles thar fit fer a king an Bill Kimmell's Aunt Panny finally give up her dumplin recipe an thay was havin them an hisn grandma's plum dumplins too, plus all manner of good eats. Mr. Holmes said he couldn't wait an headed fer tha table. Piled high was pan fried chicken (Buster's grandma rung a few neacks that mornin), smoked ham that grandpa Gus sugar cured an hickory smoked hisself, mashed taters, sweet tater cassrole, fresh sliced tamaters, corn on tha cob, fried okry, sauerkraut, turnip greens with pepper sauce, lime jello salad with pecans an cottage cheese an pineapple, gravy, green beans, cranberry sauce, salad (an with no stobs neither). Fer dessert thar was pecan, lemon an coconut pie with hand churned, homemade ice cream. Thar was grins on both Dalton an Devane's faces an thay took out after him.
Later when school started again in tha fall, Daka cum back an looked in on Jessie. Daka tole him all hisn people shor missed all of em an wanted em ta cum back real soon. He said thay was usein what all was taught ta em by tha folks an was doin well.

Daka handed over a package ta Jessie an tole him ta open it. Round bout that time, Walter, Howard an Buster all cum in ta see what all Jessie got from Daka. Daka said it was a present from tha President. Jessie opened tha package an hisn mouth opened up so wide he was a gonna swaller flies ifn he didn't watch out.

In tha package was a full dress uniform with tha rank of Capt'n for tha Zambian Army.

Reckon frum now on, Jessie was shor nuf "Tha Capt'n".