BRINEGAR
Buster said he didn't ritely know how Brinegar cum bout ta bein round them parts of Kentucky but thay say he was kin ta sum of tha folks down on tha river. Tha boy didn't have but a IQ of 35 ya know. Not a makin lite of tha feller's bein a few bricks shy a load but tha boy was a mess, I tell ya. In a pickle all tha time.
When Buster and tha boys went inta town thar in Beattyville whilst thay was a visitn Buster's people in tha mountains down in Tipton Holler, thay'd see all manner of goins on an folks Buster knowed from tha family reunions. Walter, Jessie and Howard would bout always cum with Buster and thay always had a high ole time. Now, Jessie always was a mite skittish cause of hisn pheromones but tha boys plum shamed him ta go ever time. Jes cause he had them pheromones a poppin out on him all tha time didn't mean he couldn't go nowhar. He'd jes had ta tuff it out an live with em. Heck fire, thay knowed fellers that would give thar eye teeth fer them pheromones.
One Saturday morning, all tha boys went inta town an toted sum aigs fer Buster's Aunt Mae an was also fetchin sum groceries an staples fer her. Thay cum up on tha A & P an a sight thay shor nuf seed. Thar was ole Brinegar jes a starin in tha winder glass with hisn nose pressed up flatter than a flitter on that winder glass. He was a ganderin at sumthin or nother, thay wadn't shor bout that, but bout that time he seed him a nanner an took ta a runnin inta tha store. He cum out a peelin that nanner and begin ta eatin tha peelin an throwed tha nanner part on tha ground. Well, it jes wadn't do unlessen Walter found out what tha boy was doin that fer. So, Walter up an asks Brinegar why he throwed tha nanner part down and why he was a eatin tha peelin. Brinegar said ta Walter that he wadn't a gonna eat no stalk an jes ambled on off a eatin that peelin. Tha boy didn't have but a IQ of 35 ya know.
Thar was Lil Hargis and Uncle Jasper thay was a sittin on the steps of tha Lee County courthouse a whislin and a whittlin when Buster an tha boys cum up. Well, Buster started in ta tellin hisn great uncle Jasper bout Brinegar an hisn nanner eatin episode. Uncle Jasper tole Buster an tha boys he was gonna tell em a tale or two what was shor nuf true on that boy. Thar was tha time Brinegar wanted hisself a car. He wanted him a Pontiac car so he had ta git hisself sum money sumwhar so went ta see Mr. Porter at tha funeral parlor. He finally talked Mr. Porter ta givin him a job round tha funeral parlor doin odd jobs. Mr. Porter paid Brinegar but kept back all but a bit of spendin cash so he could save up fer hisn Pontiac car. He knowed Brinegar would spend hisn money ifn he had it in hisn pocket. That money woulda burned a hole rite thru Brinegar's overalls pocket in no time flat. Finally, one day Mr. Porter cum ta Brinegar an tole him he dun had enuf cash ta git hisn Pontiac Car an he would go with him ta git it over ta tha car lot. Now Brinegar took a likin a workin at tha funeral parlor an tha folks thar shor got a kick outa him too. He was caught many a time jes a jabberin away at sum daid feller he knowed like he was still alive. He'd jes pet him an comb hisn hair an make shor he was fit fer his send off. One day Mr. Porter found Brinegar settin up ole man Crowe that lived down tha holler from Brinegar's folks. He was a jabberin an jawin with ole man Crowe like he was still alive an even had a picnic lunch set up fer two. Overheared him tell tha ole man he jes couldn't leave him go hungry but he had ta leave him hisn squirrel dog ifn he was goin over ta tha other side.
When Mr. Porter took Brinegar over ta tha car lot an Brinegar picked him out a Pontiac car, a red un at that, he tole Brinegar he needed be careful drivin home that nite cause tha fog got bad in tha late evenin in tha holler. Mr. Porter never thought ta ask ifn Brinegar could drive or not. Cum ta find out he couldn't an tha salesman had ta give Brinegar instructions on how ta start tha car an put it in gear. Brinear left outa thar a buckin an jerkin an was all over tha road. Well now, Brinegar finally got on towards tha house when he up an stops at tha fork by tha big oak tree. Sum of tha folks tharbouts was cummin from tha field an seed Brinegar back up that Pontiac car of hisn he jes bought an give er tha gas an run smack dab inta that thar oak tree. Ifn he dun it once, he it twice but tha third time he tore that Pontiac car all ta pieces. Brinegar got out tha car, walked rite up ta that oak tree an thay heared him say that he hated that oak tree an it was always in hisn way he was gonna knock it down cum hell or high water. Brinegar walked off on towards hisn house down tha road an jes left tha Pontiac car smashed up agin that oak tree. Tha folks was plum bug eyed a watchin hisn carryin on and went ta town an tole tha sheriff what all happened out thar with Brinegar. Tha sheriff had a wrecker git tha Pontiac car an went ta Brinegar's folks an had a settee with em bout Brinegar. Tha sheriff asked him ifn he had a driver's license and Brinegar didn 't even know what that was. He only had a IQ of 35. The sheriff dun give Brinegar a ticket fer no driver's license an tole him ta be in court. Well, Brinegar didn't show up fer hisn hearin an tha judge tole tha sheriff ta go arrest Brinegar fer not bein thar. Brinegar seed tha sheriff a cummin an hid under tha bed and Sheriff Hogan had ta drag him outa thar with him a squallin. After Brinegar was took ta jail an give hisn supper of a fried boloney sandwich, tater chips turnip greens and macroni an cheese, Brinegar quieted down an went rite off ta sleep. Tha next day Brinegar went fore tha judge an he tole Brinegar he shoulda cum ta his court date an sentenced him ta a month of workin fer tha city. Brinegar was ta work with tha street department an pick up trash an sich. Well sir, tha first day went long purty well with Brinegar a wavin ta folks an visitn an all an tha work wadn't much ta it. But, when it cum on ta nitefall Brinegar run off ta hisn folks. Tha sheriff had ta go git him agin an had ta keep him locked up till hisn time was up. Brinegar jes couldn't figure out why he couldn't go home ever nite an so his folks had ta cum inta town ever day till he was let a loose. That boy is a pistol ya know an him with only a IQ of 35.
Uncle Jasper said he had another good on ole Brinegar. The time he went an run off ta join up in tha Army an hisn folks didn't know nuthin bout it neither was a devlin time fer em. I tell ya. The Army folks took Brinegar ta Cincinnati, OH fer hisn induction. All of the men stood in a line till thay was called. Well, ever time Brinegar got ta tha front of tha line fer hisn physical checkup, he'd run back ta tha end of tha line. He dun that all tha day long. Finally, he was tha onlyest one left an a sergeant got a holt of him an said he dun dodged his turn long enuf.
It was all them doctors an soldiers could do ta get Brinegar examined an do tha coughin thang, ifn ya know what I mean. It cum time fer Brinegar's testin an thay took him inta a room fer all manner of written tests. Brinegar could write hisn name but nuthin else. When it was all said an dun with, all them tests papers showed was hisn name. Not one question was answered. So, he was sent ta a shrink an that doctor like ta pulled hisn hair out tryin ta git anythin outa Brinegar.
He wrote on hisn papers that Brinegar wadn't fit fer tha service an he was ta be sent back home. Brinegar was took ta tha bus station an put on tha bus back ta Beattyville. When tha bus got ta Louisville, Brinegar didn't know ta git off an change buses ta git home. He shoulda got on in thar that evenin an hisn folks was a waitin fer him ta git thar ta take him home but he never showed.
It took 2 days ta find Brinegar an he was purt near caved in he was so hungry. A Army man had ta be sent all tha way back East ta fetch Brinegar an take him on home. Tha boy didn't have but only a IQ of 35 ya know.
Uncle Jasper had many a tall tale ta tell on Brinegar but swore hisn oath on tha Good book that thay was true an he knowed it personal that thay was. Thar was tha time Brinegar was a slippin off in tha nite an gittin hisself in a peck of trouble down on tha river on tha gamblin boats drinkin likker an messin with painted women. Brinegar's ma had hisn pa ta chain him up he got so bad. an him havin only a IQ of 35 didn't leave no room fer lettin him out on hisn own. Well, Brinegar got ta pinin an jes wadn't gonna eat no matter what. He jes begin ta wastin away an got so porely that them chains jes fell offa him an he dun run off agin. Thay had tha dangest time keepin him home an away from tha river. Brinegar took sick after that an ain't nobody seed him fer quite a spell.
Russell, Buster's pa, cum over tha hill in that '59 Oldsmobile an was a hittin over a hundurt, that's when he went airborne an took out a passel of saplins on tha mountainside. Russell always was lucky an weren't hurt nun a bit. Russell seed Brinegar a cummin by with hisn mules an wagon an got a ride with him inta town. Russell asked Brinegar whar he'd ben fer sa long an said folks tharbouts thought he mite dun up an sprouted wangs. Naw, said Brinegar, I jes ben up ta my sister's in Tennessee an jes now got back ta tha house. Now Russell was a bit of a skiniver an tells Brinegar that he wondered ifn he would like ta do sum loggin fer him. Brinegar said shor nuf cause he needed sum hard cash an he was a gonna go down ta tha river. It had ben a spell but it was real excitin fer him. Russell asked him ifn he wadn't a sinnin down thar an Brinegar up an says it ain't a sinnin ifn ya say yore prayers. Russell said that jes mite be so an ta cum on by in tha mornin and hisn sister Naomi would fix up sum breakfast in tha mornin fore thay left out ta tha woods. Brinegar meets up with Russell tha next mornin an thay git ta loggin. When payday cum at tha end of tha week, Russell pays Brinegar but said he had ta borry back sum cash since he left all of hisn back at tha house and give him an IOU. Russell tole Brinegar that it was tha same as hard cash but jes on a piece of paper. Well, tha next week cum an payday rolled round agin. Russell dun give Brinegar another IOU an tole him he had ta keep up with tha expenses an didn't Brinegar want ta keep hisn job a loggin with him. Brinegar tole Russell yeah an went on back ta work. Brinegar asked Russell ifn thay was a gonna take hisn IOU papers down at tha river cause he jes had ta go see one of them gals down on tha gamblin boats. Russell reckoned thay would ifn it was tha rite color cause thay only cepted green. Greenbacks talk down thar he said. So, Russell said he would have to change hisn IOU 's ta green but it would cost Brinegar ta do that, 2 fer 1. Brinegar shor wanted them greenbacks so he dun it.
Well, cum next week, an Brinegar cum ta Russell an said it jes wadn't a workin cause thay wadn't gonna take hisn greenbacks an he wanted sum hard cash ta spend. Russell tole Brinegar he could do that but it would cost him fer hard cash an Brinegar didn't have enuf greenbacks an he'd own Russell ifn he changed em back. Russell tole Brinegar that he'd have ta work another week ta git even an then he'd git sum hard cash. Brinegar worked out in tha woods an Russell bought Brinegar a few cokes an sum baloney fer sandwiches an cum Saturday Russell tole Brinegar thay was even. Well, Brinegar tole Russell that he was ready ta git down ta tha river an when would he git sum hard cash. Russell tole Brinegar that he was even with him an in fact he really owed him fer feedin him that week but he would fergit that. Brinegar tole Russell he really did preciate that an would be glad ta work next week an finally git hisn hard cash. Russell tole Brinegar that work had slowed down an thay wadn't gonna work fer a spell but he would fetch him when thay needed ta cut sum more wood. Brinegar said thank ya an went on back ta tha house jes a grinnin cause he dun so good that month. Brinegar only had a IQ of 35 ya know. That Russell was a slick un, I tell ya.
Brinegar dun all sorts of thangs folks seed a him doin. One winter thay seed Brinegar out by tha courthouse flagpole standing thar with hisn tongue stuck ta it. Tha county judge hisself brung sum warm water an poured it on Brinegar's tongue ta git him a loose with him jes a caterwaulin tryin pull it a loose from that froze up flagpole. Then thar was tha time he dun stuck hisn haid inta a bucket down at tha bakery whilst he was a tryin ta lick tha icin outa tha bottom of it. Ya see, Brinegar watched em a scoopin out tha icin fer baked goods an when thay set down tha bucket he stuck hisn haid in thar an was a lickin up tha leavins. Had ta call tha fire department on that one.
Brinegar is shor nuf a mess an hisn ma an pa love him dearly but whatcha expect, he only has a IQ of 35!!!
When Buster and tha boys went inta town thar in Beattyville whilst thay was a visitn Buster's people in tha mountains down in Tipton Holler, thay'd see all manner of goins on an folks Buster knowed from tha family reunions. Walter, Jessie and Howard would bout always cum with Buster and thay always had a high ole time. Now, Jessie always was a mite skittish cause of hisn pheromones but tha boys plum shamed him ta go ever time. Jes cause he had them pheromones a poppin out on him all tha time didn't mean he couldn't go nowhar. He'd jes had ta tuff it out an live with em. Heck fire, thay knowed fellers that would give thar eye teeth fer them pheromones.
One Saturday morning, all tha boys went inta town an toted sum aigs fer Buster's Aunt Mae an was also fetchin sum groceries an staples fer her. Thay cum up on tha A & P an a sight thay shor nuf seed. Thar was ole Brinegar jes a starin in tha winder glass with hisn nose pressed up flatter than a flitter on that winder glass. He was a ganderin at sumthin or nother, thay wadn't shor bout that, but bout that time he seed him a nanner an took ta a runnin inta tha store. He cum out a peelin that nanner and begin ta eatin tha peelin an throwed tha nanner part on tha ground. Well, it jes wadn't do unlessen Walter found out what tha boy was doin that fer. So, Walter up an asks Brinegar why he throwed tha nanner part down and why he was a eatin tha peelin. Brinegar said ta Walter that he wadn't a gonna eat no stalk an jes ambled on off a eatin that peelin. Tha boy didn't have but a IQ of 35 ya know.
Thar was Lil Hargis and Uncle Jasper thay was a sittin on the steps of tha Lee County courthouse a whislin and a whittlin when Buster an tha boys cum up. Well, Buster started in ta tellin hisn great uncle Jasper bout Brinegar an hisn nanner eatin episode. Uncle Jasper tole Buster an tha boys he was gonna tell em a tale or two what was shor nuf true on that boy. Thar was tha time Brinegar wanted hisself a car. He wanted him a Pontiac car so he had ta git hisself sum money sumwhar so went ta see Mr. Porter at tha funeral parlor. He finally talked Mr. Porter ta givin him a job round tha funeral parlor doin odd jobs. Mr. Porter paid Brinegar but kept back all but a bit of spendin cash so he could save up fer hisn Pontiac car. He knowed Brinegar would spend hisn money ifn he had it in hisn pocket. That money woulda burned a hole rite thru Brinegar's overalls pocket in no time flat. Finally, one day Mr. Porter cum ta Brinegar an tole him he dun had enuf cash ta git hisn Pontiac Car an he would go with him ta git it over ta tha car lot. Now Brinegar took a likin a workin at tha funeral parlor an tha folks thar shor got a kick outa him too. He was caught many a time jes a jabberin away at sum daid feller he knowed like he was still alive. He'd jes pet him an comb hisn hair an make shor he was fit fer his send off. One day Mr. Porter found Brinegar settin up ole man Crowe that lived down tha holler from Brinegar's folks. He was a jabberin an jawin with ole man Crowe like he was still alive an even had a picnic lunch set up fer two. Overheared him tell tha ole man he jes couldn't leave him go hungry but he had ta leave him hisn squirrel dog ifn he was goin over ta tha other side.
When Mr. Porter took Brinegar over ta tha car lot an Brinegar picked him out a Pontiac car, a red un at that, he tole Brinegar he needed be careful drivin home that nite cause tha fog got bad in tha late evenin in tha holler. Mr. Porter never thought ta ask ifn Brinegar could drive or not. Cum ta find out he couldn't an tha salesman had ta give Brinegar instructions on how ta start tha car an put it in gear. Brinear left outa thar a buckin an jerkin an was all over tha road. Well now, Brinegar finally got on towards tha house when he up an stops at tha fork by tha big oak tree. Sum of tha folks tharbouts was cummin from tha field an seed Brinegar back up that Pontiac car of hisn he jes bought an give er tha gas an run smack dab inta that thar oak tree. Ifn he dun it once, he it twice but tha third time he tore that Pontiac car all ta pieces. Brinegar got out tha car, walked rite up ta that oak tree an thay heared him say that he hated that oak tree an it was always in hisn way he was gonna knock it down cum hell or high water. Brinegar walked off on towards hisn house down tha road an jes left tha Pontiac car smashed up agin that oak tree. Tha folks was plum bug eyed a watchin hisn carryin on and went ta town an tole tha sheriff what all happened out thar with Brinegar. Tha sheriff had a wrecker git tha Pontiac car an went ta Brinegar's folks an had a settee with em bout Brinegar. Tha sheriff asked him ifn he had a driver's license and Brinegar didn 't even know what that was. He only had a IQ of 35. The sheriff dun give Brinegar a ticket fer no driver's license an tole him ta be in court. Well, Brinegar didn't show up fer hisn hearin an tha judge tole tha sheriff ta go arrest Brinegar fer not bein thar. Brinegar seed tha sheriff a cummin an hid under tha bed and Sheriff Hogan had ta drag him outa thar with him a squallin. After Brinegar was took ta jail an give hisn supper of a fried boloney sandwich, tater chips turnip greens and macroni an cheese, Brinegar quieted down an went rite off ta sleep. Tha next day Brinegar went fore tha judge an he tole Brinegar he shoulda cum ta his court date an sentenced him ta a month of workin fer tha city. Brinegar was ta work with tha street department an pick up trash an sich. Well sir, tha first day went long purty well with Brinegar a wavin ta folks an visitn an all an tha work wadn't much ta it. But, when it cum on ta nitefall Brinegar run off ta hisn folks. Tha sheriff had ta go git him agin an had ta keep him locked up till hisn time was up. Brinegar jes couldn't figure out why he couldn't go home ever nite an so his folks had ta cum inta town ever day till he was let a loose. That boy is a pistol ya know an him with only a IQ of 35.
Uncle Jasper said he had another good on ole Brinegar. The time he went an run off ta join up in tha Army an hisn folks didn't know nuthin bout it neither was a devlin time fer em. I tell ya. The Army folks took Brinegar ta Cincinnati, OH fer hisn induction. All of the men stood in a line till thay was called. Well, ever time Brinegar got ta tha front of tha line fer hisn physical checkup, he'd run back ta tha end of tha line. He dun that all tha day long. Finally, he was tha onlyest one left an a sergeant got a holt of him an said he dun dodged his turn long enuf.
It was all them doctors an soldiers could do ta get Brinegar examined an do tha coughin thang, ifn ya know what I mean. It cum time fer Brinegar's testin an thay took him inta a room fer all manner of written tests. Brinegar could write hisn name but nuthin else. When it was all said an dun with, all them tests papers showed was hisn name. Not one question was answered. So, he was sent ta a shrink an that doctor like ta pulled hisn hair out tryin ta git anythin outa Brinegar.
He wrote on hisn papers that Brinegar wadn't fit fer tha service an he was ta be sent back home. Brinegar was took ta tha bus station an put on tha bus back ta Beattyville. When tha bus got ta Louisville, Brinegar didn't know ta git off an change buses ta git home. He shoulda got on in thar that evenin an hisn folks was a waitin fer him ta git thar ta take him home but he never showed.
It took 2 days ta find Brinegar an he was purt near caved in he was so hungry. A Army man had ta be sent all tha way back East ta fetch Brinegar an take him on home. Tha boy didn't have but only a IQ of 35 ya know.
Uncle Jasper had many a tall tale ta tell on Brinegar but swore hisn oath on tha Good book that thay was true an he knowed it personal that thay was. Thar was tha time Brinegar was a slippin off in tha nite an gittin hisself in a peck of trouble down on tha river on tha gamblin boats drinkin likker an messin with painted women. Brinegar's ma had hisn pa ta chain him up he got so bad. an him havin only a IQ of 35 didn't leave no room fer lettin him out on hisn own. Well, Brinegar got ta pinin an jes wadn't gonna eat no matter what. He jes begin ta wastin away an got so porely that them chains jes fell offa him an he dun run off agin. Thay had tha dangest time keepin him home an away from tha river. Brinegar took sick after that an ain't nobody seed him fer quite a spell.
Russell, Buster's pa, cum over tha hill in that '59 Oldsmobile an was a hittin over a hundurt, that's when he went airborne an took out a passel of saplins on tha mountainside. Russell always was lucky an weren't hurt nun a bit. Russell seed Brinegar a cummin by with hisn mules an wagon an got a ride with him inta town. Russell asked Brinegar whar he'd ben fer sa long an said folks tharbouts thought he mite dun up an sprouted wangs. Naw, said Brinegar, I jes ben up ta my sister's in Tennessee an jes now got back ta tha house. Now Russell was a bit of a skiniver an tells Brinegar that he wondered ifn he would like ta do sum loggin fer him. Brinegar said shor nuf cause he needed sum hard cash an he was a gonna go down ta tha river. It had ben a spell but it was real excitin fer him. Russell asked him ifn he wadn't a sinnin down thar an Brinegar up an says it ain't a sinnin ifn ya say yore prayers. Russell said that jes mite be so an ta cum on by in tha mornin and hisn sister Naomi would fix up sum breakfast in tha mornin fore thay left out ta tha woods. Brinegar meets up with Russell tha next mornin an thay git ta loggin. When payday cum at tha end of tha week, Russell pays Brinegar but said he had ta borry back sum cash since he left all of hisn back at tha house and give him an IOU. Russell tole Brinegar that it was tha same as hard cash but jes on a piece of paper. Well, tha next week cum an payday rolled round agin. Russell dun give Brinegar another IOU an tole him he had ta keep up with tha expenses an didn't Brinegar want ta keep hisn job a loggin with him. Brinegar tole Russell yeah an went on back ta work. Brinegar asked Russell ifn thay was a gonna take hisn IOU papers down at tha river cause he jes had ta go see one of them gals down on tha gamblin boats. Russell reckoned thay would ifn it was tha rite color cause thay only cepted green. Greenbacks talk down thar he said. So, Russell said he would have to change hisn IOU 's ta green but it would cost Brinegar ta do that, 2 fer 1. Brinegar shor wanted them greenbacks so he dun it.
Well, cum next week, an Brinegar cum ta Russell an said it jes wadn't a workin cause thay wadn't gonna take hisn greenbacks an he wanted sum hard cash ta spend. Russell tole Brinegar he could do that but it would cost him fer hard cash an Brinegar didn't have enuf greenbacks an he'd own Russell ifn he changed em back. Russell tole Brinegar that he'd have ta work another week ta git even an then he'd git sum hard cash. Brinegar worked out in tha woods an Russell bought Brinegar a few cokes an sum baloney fer sandwiches an cum Saturday Russell tole Brinegar thay was even. Well, Brinegar tole Russell that he was ready ta git down ta tha river an when would he git sum hard cash. Russell tole Brinegar that he was even with him an in fact he really owed him fer feedin him that week but he would fergit that. Brinegar tole Russell he really did preciate that an would be glad ta work next week an finally git hisn hard cash. Russell tole Brinegar that work had slowed down an thay wadn't gonna work fer a spell but he would fetch him when thay needed ta cut sum more wood. Brinegar said thank ya an went on back ta tha house jes a grinnin cause he dun so good that month. Brinegar only had a IQ of 35 ya know. That Russell was a slick un, I tell ya.
Brinegar dun all sorts of thangs folks seed a him doin. One winter thay seed Brinegar out by tha courthouse flagpole standing thar with hisn tongue stuck ta it. Tha county judge hisself brung sum warm water an poured it on Brinegar's tongue ta git him a loose with him jes a caterwaulin tryin pull it a loose from that froze up flagpole. Then thar was tha time he dun stuck hisn haid inta a bucket down at tha bakery whilst he was a tryin ta lick tha icin outa tha bottom of it. Ya see, Brinegar watched em a scoopin out tha icin fer baked goods an when thay set down tha bucket he stuck hisn haid in thar an was a lickin up tha leavins. Had ta call tha fire department on that one.
Brinegar is shor nuf a mess an hisn ma an pa love him dearly but whatcha expect, he only has a IQ of 35!!!
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